Waiting Room

And the sirens start again. “Welcome back” they scream to me. “Welcome back.” Thanks UT, sigh, I’m not really ready to return. Will I do better than the last time I was here? Which was the first time I came and tripped and fell right in front of the line that leads to failure? Can I write the “music of my heart’s” intuitions? Or will I fall short on a survey? Public relations with the enemy, (my social life….clubbing) Will it advertise my down fall before it happens? Does lust come with a foreshadowing?


They say once you fall off the horse you get back on and ride strong and proud. But they don’t tell you how hard it is to get back in the saddle, or how hard it is to get off the ground. At least once in every man’s life (human that is) we arrive at a place in time where the obvious answer to our problems are conflicted with emotions and tears so huge that we are lost in that moment. And in that moment we are lost, and afraid, and above all else we are confused.


It seems that it is always easier to talk about the hardships in life. The mistrust, the abuse, what we barely remember, and all the times we were the ones down and out with no one to fix our luck. But why do we never look at all the wonderful aspects of our day to day life? The people we look forward to seeing, the music we cannot wait until it is released, the sex that we are dying to have just one last time, or the next time we bite in to that piece of food that tastes like pure heaven.


We are parasitic. We cling, and drain, and fester until the host (who ever that might be) medicates and sets us free. Back to where we started loathing everything. I smile at the thought that most would live there live in this way. Being the cancer that no one wants, but does not have the strength to become dormant.


They say once you hit rock bottom and all that you ever knew and all who you ever loved has moved on. That’s bullshit, everyone that you have loved, and who has loved you in return has gone nowhere. It is only after you sit back in that saddle and pull those shoulders back that you realize all of your heart ache and despair, fear and sense of nothingness only lasted for that moment. And it is after that moment that life is not slowed down anymore. The sun is still shining somewhere when it’s raining its ass off on you.


And the sirens start again. “Welcome back” they scream to me. “Welcome back.”


(09/05/2008: Vrba)